If you don’t sound like you expect respect, you might not get it.

Fortunately, you don’t need to be a natural leader to speak with authority, or the king of self-esteem to speak with confidence. With a little practice, anyone can begin to speak with authority and confidence.

Don’t believe me? Just keep reading

Authority and Confidence

Authority and confidence are the two tones that inspire respect. Although some people use them interchangeably, they are different.

Authority refers to the tone you use when you actually have authority over someone and you want to inspire obedience. Picture a general giving a command

Confidence refers to the tone you use when you don’t have authority over someone, but you still want to inspire respect. Picture someone explaining an idea they strongly believe in.

We’re going to start by learning how to speak with authority, because speaking with confidence is basically just speaking with authority but 50% less intense.

Got it? Awesome — let’s keep going.

The Power Of The Pause

To begin speaking with authority, add deliberate pauses to your sentences.

For short sentences, add one pause at the halfway point. For longer sentences, add two pauses at the 1/3 and 2/3 mark.

If you’re going to tell someone “Back off”, add a pause. Say “Back, off” (notice the comma).

If you’re going to say “Sit down right now”, say “Sit down, right now.”

If you’re going to say “You need to behave and apologize to your sister” you would say “You need to behave, and apologize, to your sister.

Here’s an example of what the pauses sound like. I’m not adding anything else yet, just pauses. So it won’t sound authoritative yet — but we’re getting there.

Try it now. Say those sentences out loud, with pauses and without. Get a feel for when the pauses should naturally appear.

Emphasis Bliss

We’re not done yet. Next, we need to add emphasis.

When you are speaking with authority, all of your words should be a little more emphasized. However (and this is key) the last word before a pause should be doubly emphasized. So instead of saying “You need, to sit down” you should say “You need, to sit down.”

Don’t confuse emphasis with anger. Stay calm, and don’t raise your voice. You want to add force to your words, not volume. If you don’t sound in control of yourself, people will not respect you.

Need an example? Here’s a recording of me speaking first without authority, then with authority (proper emphasis and pauses.) Notice how I don’t sound angry or loud — just firm. Also notice how the last word before each pause gets extra emphasis.

Make sure that you are also going down in pitch on this final word, rather than up in pitch. If you go up in pitch, it will sound like a question, and you don’t want that.

Here’s another example, first of me moving my pitch up at the end of the sentence, and a second with the pitch moved down. Notice how when the pitch moves up, it makes me sound more whiny and questioning.

Speaking With Confidence

Of course, you only want to speak with authority when you actually have authority. If you start ordering your friends around, you will soon find yourself without friends. (However, note that if anyone — even a friend — is not respecting your boundaries, you should use a tone of authority to tell them to back off.)

Fortunately, it’s easy to use this tone to signal confidence instead of authority. Just reduce the intensity about 50%. In other words, keep the pauses, but make your emphasis about 50% lighter.

You’ll want to practice this a little until it sounds natural. I recommend recording your voice and listening to yourself to see how you sound. With a bit of practice, you’ll find it easy to switch between a tone of authority and a tone of confidence.

Here’s an example of me speaking without confidence, and then with friendly confidence (but not authority). You should be able to hear slight emphasis, but not as much as when I was speaking with authority.

Confidence And Authority In Everyday Life

There you have it!

You now know how to speak with authority, and with confidence.

Practice makes perfect, of course, so spend some time in front of a recorder until you feel sure that you are able to create the correct pauses and emphasis. If you have a friend or family member that you trust, you might even want to practice with them.

But however you practice, over time you’ll become more and more able to speak with authority and confidence. Your tone will tell others that you expect respect — and you’ll receive more respect as a result.

It’s as simple as that.

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Maybe we want to go talk to that guy, or ask that girl out, or go to that party. But we’re afraid.

What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?

What if she says no?

What if I feel awkward at the party?

In the moment, these fears can seem really big. And when our fears are big, we play it safe, which means we avoid the things we really want to do.

Fortunately, there’s one simple rule you can use to give yourself courage.

10-10-10

It’s called the 10-10-10 rule, and it was developed by Suzy Welch, a business writer. In a nutshell, the 10-10-10 rule asks yourself to imagine the likely outcomes of a decision…

• 10 minutes in the future
• 10 months in the future
• 10 years in the future

It’s developed for business decisions (what will happen in 10 minutes/10 months/10 years if we launch this new product?) but it’s really useful for social situations too.

10-10-10 For Social Situations

What happens when you apply the 10-10-10 rule to social situations?

Well, let’s say you’re at a party and you want to strike up a conversation with someone. What are the best and worst things that might reasonably happen? Well….

• In 10 minutes, best case you will be having a great conversation, worst case the conversation will flop and you’ll feel awkward.

• In 10 months, best case you are still friends with the person you talked to, worst case you have a dim memory of an awkward conversation

• In 10 years, best case you are STILL friends with the person you talked to, and there is no worst case — you’re not going to remember an awkward conversation from a party ten years ago.

Long-Term Courage

When you look at it this way, the path is clear. You should start the conversation, because the potential upside (a new friend!) is much greater than the potential downside (10 minutes of awkwardness.)

And you’ll find this is true in many social situations where you feel anxious or scared. When you use the 10-10-10 rule to give yourself a long-term perspective, it’s much easier to overcome fear and make the best decision.

Or to put it another way — it’s hard to be afraid of 10 minutes of awkwardness when you’re thinking about the next 10 years of your life.

So try it out!

Next time you are afraid of taking the initiative in a social situation, just ask yourself “If I do this, what is the best and worst thing that might reasonably happen in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years?”

This only takes a moment, but it will give you a clear direction and the confidence to push past fear. Try it out, then report back in the comments how it worked for you!

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While Improve Your Social Skills (and most other resources) can be adapted to work with kids, it’s great to find resources that are specifically designed for kids. That’s why I’m excited to tell you about Being Frank, a book about a kid named Frank who is, well, too frank.

Frank says exactly what is on his mind at all times. This gets him into trouble.

Eventually, Frank has a conversation with his grandfather Earnest, who tells him about things like discretion and tact. Clearly plot is not this book’s strong point, but that’s fine — it’s a kids book.

I really like it not just because it’s a fun read, but because it really opens up opportunities for dialogue between parents and kids (especially kids with Asperger’s or a similar condition.)

I can see the book being used to start conversations about “Hey, remember when you told that kid at recess he smelled funny?” in a way that is engaging and comfortable for the kid, or as a jumping off point for games like “Let’s say something in a rude way, and then figure out how to phrase it in a polite way.”

I remember that during my own social skills improvement, it was a huge help that I felt like my parents were partners, instead of dictators telling me what to do. I think that Being Frank might be a great resource for parents to help them partner with their kids to work on social skills and tactfulness, instead of just laying down the law. If you’re a parent of a kid who struggles with social skills, or you know someone who is, check out Being Frank!

You can buy Being Frank at Amazon, or from the publisher, Flashlight Press. Please note that I don’t receive any compensation for reviewing products or sites (other than Amazon affiliate tags), which means that if I say I like something, I really do like it.

Hopefully you’ll like Being Frank as well — if you read it, let me know what you think in the comments!

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In the meantime, I wanted to let you know about a cool new resource for learning body language. It’s called GoBodyLanguage.com, and I recommend it highly. It’s comprehensive, has videos, and best of all it’s totally free (at least at time of writing.)

There’s tons of body language books out there, but it’s tough to translate a picture on a page to a real-life person, so the videos really make GoBodyLanguage stand out. It’s free, so click on over today!

Screenshot of a lesson:

What did you think of GoBodyLanguage? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

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Stories put your ability to connect into overdrive. People are wired for storytelling, and the easiest way to someone’s heart is not through their stomach but through storytelling.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to tell a story badly. You’ve probably been subject to rambling storytellers that take forever to get to the point — or worse, don’t seem to have a point at all. On occasion, you’ve probably also been one of those storytellers on occasion (sorry!)

Fortunately, it’s also easy to tell a story well — if you know how. There’s just three things you need to remember.

Grab Them From The Get-Go.

The Sound Of Music was wrong — the beginning is not a very good place to start.

If you start at the chronological beginning of your story and take the time to explain all the details and backstory, your audience will be tuned out by the time you get to the “good part.”

Instead, show why the story is important before you start telling it. For instance, if you’re going to tell the story about the time you found a possum in your bed, don’t just start telling the story — say something like “Ok, let me tell you about the weirdest thing I ever woke up next to.” Now you’ve got their interest, and they’ll stay tuned in while you tell the story.

It’s often a good idea to use vivid words like “weird” or “funny” when introducing your story. For instance, “Let me tell about how I met my wife” is not as good as “Let me tell you about the weird way I met my wife.” The audience will stay tuned in to find out what was weird.

Also, make sure that everything in your story supports the point of the story. If you’re telling a story about how you found a possum in your bed, everything in your story should be leading up to the moment of possum discovery. If you’re not sure if something needs to be in your story, throw it out.

Engage The Imagination.

Storytelling is all about imagination, so invite your audience to imagine.

An easy way to do this is to invite audience participation. For instance, find a pivotal point of the story, and then ask your listeners what they would do. Ie, “I heard a noise coming from the basement — and I was home alone. If you were me, what would you do?”

You can also invite them to imagine what happens next. For example, ”I opened the door to the basement — what do you think I found there?”

Make sure these questions are not too open-ended but also not just asking a yes or no response. For instance, if you were telling the story of Cinderella:

• “Do you think my sisters enjoyed seeing me at the ball?” is not good, because it’s a yes or no question.
• “I walked in the ball — what do you think happened?” is not good, because it’s very broad.
• “The prince walked over to me — and what do you think he said?” is good, because it’s a good middle ground of being open-ended but not too broad.

One more tip: instead of describing everything, give one vivid detail, and let the audience imagine the rest.

For instance, instead of spending several sentences describing how opulent your hotel room was, just say “It was a beautiful hotel room — the sheets were the smoothest I’ve ever felt.” With that detail, the audience can easily imagine the rest of the hotel room.

Vary Your Voice

Your voice is a powerful tool for storytelling, and it’s easy to use.

Don’t worry about actually sounding sad, or angry, or whatever — you’re probably not an actor. Instead, just raise or lower the volume of your voice, or speed up or slow down the tempo of your voice.

A loud and/or fast voice communicates excitement/energy, while a slow/soft voice communicates seriousness.
This is a great technique to play with — deliver stories in the mirror or during your commute and practice vocal variety. The more your practice, the more natural your vocal variety will sound.

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There you have it — everything you need to take your conversational storytelling to the next level. Have any storytelling tips of your own? Share them in the comments!

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Mr. Rogers once said “You don’t choose a job and expect not to work hard. But you can expect that you don’t have to do it alone. Nobody should have to do it alone”

Social skills improvement can be a tough job, and you do need to work hard. But you don’t have to do it alone.

Two of my friends who are professional counselors are starting an online social skills workshop, geared at folks who want to improve their social skills in a group environment. It’s an incredible opportunity for you to turbocharge your social skills improvement, so keep reading to get the details!

Interested in a free 6-week social skills group on Google Hangout?

We are two master’s level counselors who are testing Google Hangout as an accessible option for those who would like to participate in a group but face barriers to attending an in-person meeting. We will explore social frustrations and strategies in a safe environment, and homework assignments will be given between sessions.

Who is this for?

We are focusing on adults who struggle with social issues, whether they have a diagnosis that impacts their social skills or not. Think of it as “social skills for geeks.” If your social issues are beyond the basics (you can handle one-on-one conversations, know the groundwork for starting relationships and can hold a job), this group will provide some live feedback and discussion around more nuanced behavioral problems. If you are unsure whether this group meets your skill level, email us for clarification – we will be running future groups aimed at various comfort levels and may find a better fit for you.

We know that most of you are skilled at finding information on social skills, and we want to help explain and explore the why behind social interactions instead of simply memorizing social protocol or body language signals. The group will start in early March and consist of six weekly 1.5 hour sessions, time to be agreed upon by the group members.

This first group will be free of charge and is limited to 7 people. If many people are interested, after the first group wraps we can begin offering ongoing groups for $10 each week (we may also offer groups on specialized topics if there is interest). If you would like more information about this group or future sessions, please email socialskillshangout@gmail.com for details.

Who are we?

Michelle is a social worker with experience in social skills training for low-functioning adults and social skills support for high-functioning adults with Aspergers. Rowan is a counselor who has facilitated social skills support for college students and young adults diagnosed with autism, Asperger’s, or severe ADD. We bring personal experience with us as well – both of us are in long-term relationships with programmers who have social struggles, so we love to support the partners of those in the social skills community as well.

We want your ideas for a group that works!

Even if you are not interested in attending, we welcome any ideas or suggestions from the community regarding topics or specific issues you would like to see addressed in such a group. We are planning future groups with different purposes such as ongoing discussion/support, psychoeducation, and specialized groups such as managing long-term relationships. So if you have ever attended a group that worked or failed, tell us how it did so. If you see a need for specific types of social skills groups (such as dating, behavior at work, marriage, etc) let us know. If you have always wanted to attend a group, tell us what your ideal group would offer and how it would run!

Interested? Shoot them an email at Socialskillshangout@gmail.com!

Social skills improve with practice. The more time you spend interacting with others, the better you become at social interaction (makes sense, right?)

Unfortunately, finding the opportunity to practice can be difficult. If you want to be a better runner, you can lace on your shoes and run around the block, but if you want to get better at social skills, where do you go to practice?

That’s what this article is all about. Sit tight, and I’ll tell you three of my favorite hobbies that helped me improve my social skills — and that can help you, too!

1) Improv Theater

In improv, everything is made up on the spot. No script, no planning ahead of time. You just go out and make a scene from nothing. The scenes are often hilarious, sometimes poignant, and always entertaining.

As I’ve noted elsewhere, improv is a lot like social interaction. And the same principles that equip you to feel confident striding on stage and making a scene from nothing will also help you to have confidence and competence in social situations.

And, just like social interaction, improv is for everyone. You don’t have to be naturally funny or theatrical. Improv works based on a few simple principles (like accepting and building on what your partner brings to the scene), and any improv class will teach you to apply those principles like a pro.

In an improv class, you start by doing lots of fun games and exercises that help you become comfortable with using your imagination and thinking on your feet, and then you start making some scenes with other students. It’s super fun, and you will often make good friends with the other students.

Improv has taught me to have more confidence, think on my feet, and be comfortable when I’m pushed outside my comfort zone. Take a moment and search for improv theater classes in your area — then sign up! You’ll be happy you did.

2) Partner Dancing

Partner dancing is a great way to meet people and become more comfortable in your own skin.

I’m not talking about choreographed dancing (although that can be fun too!) Instead, I’m referring to dances like salsa, swing, or ballroom, where you’re paired up with someone and you make up the dance as you go along.

Much like improv, anyone can learn partner dancing. There are tons of beginners classes designed for people with no experience, and it doesn’t take long to get the basics down. And once you have a few classes under your belt, you’ll find that you move with more grace and confidence in your everyday life, which will help you make positive first impressions.

Plus, dancing allows you to meet new people. Many cities have social dancing events, where people go to meet others to dance with. You might dance with a dozen people during the course of the night, which means you get a dozen opportunities to practice conversation, get to know someone else, and make a new friend!

Bottom line: Dancing is a great skill, it’s a lot of fun, and it will help you socially. Give it a try!

3) Toastmasters Public Speaking

Toastmasters is a public speaking club that is active in over 100 countries. It is a phenomenal way to overcome social anxiety, get better at public speaking, and learn how to communicate clearly and effectively. I did Toastmasters and loved it — you can see me giving a Toastmasters speech here.

You don’t need speaking experience to join Toastmasters — most people who join have never given a speech before.

Toastmasters clubs usually meet once a week, and follow a simple format. Everyone gets the chance to speak for about a minute at every meeting, by giving an impromptu answer to an interesting question (ie, “What would you do if you were president?”) Then, 2-3 people will give a prepared speech, about a topic that they chose. After that, someone will offer constructive, positive feedback to the people who gave a speech.

Toastmasters works wonders on your social skills, because it gives you consistent opportunities to practice and to get good feedback. Instead of practicing blindly, you’ll get expert advice from people who want to help you succeed. And you’ll have the opportunity to practice every week, so you will improve quickly. There is probably a Toastmasters club near you, so check them out!

Social Skills Hobbies

There you have it — three hobbies that improve your social skills.

All three of these hobbies have helped me in my own life, and I strongly encourage you to give them a try.

Are there any hobbies that have helped you in your social skills journey? Share them in the comments!

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I gave this speech at a competition my senior year of college, and I count that moment as one of my proudest accomplishments. This speech means a lot to me, and I hope it will inspire you too.

It’s an inspiration to me, and I hope it will inspire you too.

Give it a read!

One year ago, I launched Improve Your Social Skills.

In that year, incredible things have happened.

• We’ve been featured all over, including About.com, Puttylike, and F***inghomepage.com

• Over 100,000 people have visited Improve Your Social Skills

• I’ve added over 8,500 words of new content — including a dating guide, blog posts, and quick how-to guides.

And 2013 is going to be even better. Here’s a glimpse at what 2013 has in store

More content.

I will write 1,000 words every week for the rest of 2013.

It won’t all end up the site (I promised 1,000 words, not 1,000 GOOD words), but rest assured, I will be producing lots of new content for Improve Your Social Skills.

Better content.

Video? Check.

Kindle books? Check.

Improve Your Social Skills dubstep album? Uh… maybe not that one.

New membership options.

I made Improve Your Social Skills to help people, and I would like to help as many people as possible. So I will experimenting with new options for giving extra value to folks who are willing to support the site, while still giving lots of free content away.

One change that I’m happy to announce is the new Pay It Forward membership. Essentially, If you want a membership and you can’t afford one, I will give you one for free.

You have to agree to help someone else in exchange, and you should only ask if you really can’t afford it — but there are otherwise no strings attached. You can get the details here.

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I have a lot of exciting ideas for Improve Your Social Skills. But it’s not just about me — I write Improve Your Social Skills for you.

Take a moment and leave a comment letting me know what you want to see for 2013.

What new features would you love to see?

Do you have social skills questions you want me to tackle?

And what have you enjoyed most about Improve Your Social Skills so far?