Hi everyone! I'm back again with another reader response.
This question is from reader C, who had a great question about connecting on a deeper level with a girl that they're interested in. I think you'll find it helpful whether you want to connect more with a romantic partner, a friend, or anyone else in your life!
I recently met a girl at a social event, and decided to ask her out. We've gone on a few dates so far, and we get along pretty well. Our time together is fun and relaxed, and she seems to like me, so I'd like to deepen our relationship.
However, I'm not very good at connecting with other people, and so my interactions with her have been pretty shallow. We have fun together, but it never feels like we connect on a deeper level.
How do I connect better with this girl? I'd like to get to know her better and feel more intimate, but whenever I try it feels forced, like I'm just interviewing her. Do you have any tips and strategies for deepening our connection, without feeling forced or manipulative?
(Note: C asked that I not use their exact words, so I wrote a summary of their message instead of using their actual email.)
I think your question makes a lot of sense.
First, I would just tell her what you told me. Maybe not word for word, but the general idea of "I want to get to know you better and I don't know how. Do you have ideas?" She might have some creative ideas, or at least she might benefit from knowing what's going on when you are trying to get to know her better. I realize it might feel kind of awkward to admit this to her, but if you can't be honest with her, why bother dating?
Second, I would be deliberate to set up interactions that allow you to go deeper. It's certainly possible to go deep in a spontaneous conversation, but it can really help to structure the interaction in a way that encourages depth. Some things that I've done to go deeper with girls or good friends:
- Listened to music together that we find meaningful and told each other the story of why that song is special. For instance, "Here's my favorite song when I was in high school..and this is what I was like back then." or "This is the song that always reminds me of my college." Stuff like that.
- Looked through old photos and told stories about them.
- Purchased a book of conversation starters (or used this list and traded back and forth asking questions to each other.
- Played truth or dare, with a focus on opening up about stuff rather than racy dares.
Third, I would show curiosity about her daily life. How does she spend her time? What stresses her out or makes her happy? Learning these things will not only show interest in who she is today, but will also give insight into her life story (since the people and experiences she talks about will probably have roots in her past.)
Fourth, I would open up to her about your own life. If there is something on your mind, tell her (at least sometimes.) If your day reminded you about a memory from your past, share the memory with her. You don't want to constantly barrage her with facts about you, but you could probably open about yourself more than you are doing right now. And if you open up about yourself, she will probably follow your lead and open up about herself.
Finally, I would try not to stress too much about it! Just enjoy spending time with her! If you genuinely want to get to know her better, it will happen if you give it time. Don't sabotage the happiness of your moments with her by worrying about whether or not you're connecting fast enough. It's okay to try some of the techniques I mentioned above, but mainly just enjoy the connection you are having 🙂
Hope that helps!
Do you have advice for C, too? Leave it in the comments!
And if you have a question of your own, send me an email and you might be the next reader reply 🙂